my weakness.

well hes definately moved on.
now i only wish i could.

but baby remember this--
she throws around the words "i love you" to everyone.
youll never mean any more to her than anyone else.

atleast when i said it to you.
you were the only one hearing it.

im a girl with too much to say.
and whether you want to hear it or not.
you will anyway.

i dont care anymore.
i just dont.


yourprincessofbrokenhearts.

i think they think im crazy.

i think they might think im crazy.
they dont get it and i cant explain it.

so theres a dance at school tomorrow night after the football game.
i was thinking of going and "sitting out dances on the wall" to watch you dance with girls i absolutely cant stand.
and as id sit there and watch you id think of how stupid i was for saying i hated you.
how stupid i was for saying anything i did to make you hate me like you do (now).
i (still) love(d) you.
and deep down you know it.
it only tears me apart when you face me and our eyes connect and you look away as if you had been facing nothing.
im nothing to you.
atleast i am now.
we used to be everything to each other.

its funny how i still dwell over all the broken memories of you.
and its funny how i get to my bus before you walk to yours just to watch you walk past mine.

what am i doing?
maybe i dont really like him as much as i think.
maybe i only think i like him because he (momentarily) could be replacing you.
although-
i dont think anyone could replace you.

i wanna get over you so bad.
and i just dont know what to do anymore.

i mean come on.
youve invaded my dreams almost every night for the past couple weeks now.
its not fair.

and its pretty horrible when i can wake up with tears in my eyes.
and have no memory of crying in my sleep.
i wonder what my face expressions are when i dream of you.
when you try and patch my heart back together through a realistic dream.

i hate realistic dreams.
i hate them because it truly sucks when youre having the best dream ever and you just want to almost pray that someone kills you in your sleep just so you can forever be stuck in that dream.

i havent had a good break down in months.
the tears are there just have no motivation to pour and never stop.

and i conclude in the thought that:
they may never understand.
but i always will.


yourprincessofbrokenhearts.

iron me on your favorite jeans and wear me everyday.

someday youll blame this all on yourself.
and someday when my heart is well enough to let me hate you...
youll hate you too.

"a little somethin just to take off the edge"

we're ignorant with significance.
its funny how we both love each other but you think youre too good for me.
and i dont think im good enough for you. -like a *heart* disorder.

forgotten dream bombs and ignited heart grenades fill my insides with everything i dont want to be.
iron your heart.
ill watch it all pour out.

iron me on your favorite jeans and wear me everyday.
youre undeniably gorgeous.
i wanna be the black beaded necklace around your fair skin colored emo neck.
your words scar me like cancer. -yet in a good way.

with a smile that seduces me like strawberry milk.
youd think with one look you could rip my heart out.

i want to put you in my pocket.
and take you out whenever i want.
then youd always be mine.


forgetme.not.

maybe you just werent crazy enough for me.

We're like razorblades and wrists, with the way we go together.
In the way that nothing we do, does any good for the other, we're perfect.
And I'm like plastic left under a hot iron,
In the way that I melt in front of you, and stick to you with just one touch.
I'm an accident waiting to happen,
And you're like a storm in all sorts of weather.
My heart cries out with desperation for you,
You were only in it for the apathy.
And I misjudged the way I thought you were,
You kissed like a boy who liked being caught in the rain.
My inquisitions were wrong.
Maybe you just weren't crazy enough for me.

^that was what i wrote for my creative writing class homework.^


mistakes are what we are best at.
and we make plenty of them.
we are best at creating them and putting them in situations where they cant go away. -where they wont go away.
our mistakes have become our miseries.
and our miseries have become our pleasures.
and our pleasures have become our addictions.
we're addicted to feeling the way we do.

i read my writings first in class today.
i knew the personality i was pretending was mine would become my own.
i guess its true that if you want something bad enough and you try hard enough to have it,
then you can make it yours.
but without you this wouldve never been possible.
my feelings wouldve never been possible.
my words wouldve never been possible.
and i conclude in:
i wouldve never been possible.
i owe you a thank you.
remind me to tell you in exactly 12 days.


forgetme.not.

sometimes frustration forces me to break a mirror, sometimes agrivation forces me to forget.

i wanted to truly break a mirror today.
frustration sometimes is the worst thing i can get thrown at me.
i reside in my room in the middle of the mess i created. -in the middle of the world i created.

everyone around me surrounds me in fakeness and lies.
my heart drowns me out with depression as i cry.
apple juice always makes me feel better.
although, i dont know why.

maybe it tastes how i feel and the two drown each other out.
or maybe the taste just drifts me away from my own emotion.
either way im thankful for the moments away from myself.

i wanna be someone else 50% or more, most of the time.
i hated who i was before now.
and i like who ive become.
but sometimes i still want to erase myself from the world.

sometimes i feel as if, if the next good thing in my life doesnt work out-
then ill wipe myself clean from this world ive created without so much as a tear to shed.

the world i created for myself, is becoming somewhere i dont always want to be.

this better work out.
i dont know how much lower i can go.

i do all i can.
and what do i get?
tears that burn my cheeks like salt in the cut on my wrist.

"i wont walk out until you know, here i go, scream my lungs out, try to get to you, you are my only one."

swoon central.
im falling in love with my computer screen.
and you cant stop me.


<3Maddengirl

love letters and hate cards.

im sending you snow via snail mail.
and how will you know if its real?
ill wrip apart magazines to find letters of all styles and write you a letter that goes on for miles.

i love the smell of rain.
it smells like teardrops, eyeliner, and spring.


andshellsurvivebecauseof:theheartonherwristandthewordsinherhead.

one awkward silence.

i wish for overcast skies and rainy days.
i favor kissing in the rain.

maybe you just werent crazy enough for me.
and maybe you realized i was more than you bargained for.
you realized you couldnt change me. -no matter how hard you tried.

and now i look at the heart on my wrist and realize.
realize this is what ive been running from.
ive been running from things i cant change. -things i cant undo.
and i just did another one. -another scar thatll sink into me.
another scar thatll slide its way down to eventually stop my breathing and still my heart beats.

but im addicted to feeling like this.
even when i dont want to.

and now for a hopeless romantic based confession from the depths of my heart.

hes so gorgeous. this is Irresistibility in the flesh.
his soft medium brown punk boy bandish looking hair takes my breath away.
with the patch of blonde coming out of the right side of his hair and the chunk of black all across the front blended in with the natural medium brown this boy is so perfect in an unreal sense.
he says the secert is what he doesnt do.
i could try it but id never be able to pull it off.
if i was a boy i would literally thrive for death to be him.
the beaded friendship bracelet that looks as though its owned his wrist since he was born, makes my heart throb.
he means so much to someone.
i sometimes spend my daydreaming dazes wishing i was her.
i wish i was the green and silver clip clipped on a belt loop on the left side of his dark blue denim jeans with the wripped and torn holes and the faded spots.
and those black shoes he always wears with the 3 white stripes on both sides are incredible in the way he loyaly wears the word MOSH on the top white stripe on his left shoe as if it was all his heart beats for.
he's so irresistible.
i could start a riot across the nation over this boy.
its now been confessed.


andshellsurvivebecauseof:theheartonherwristandthewordsinherhead.

could this be worse?

she has no idea what this feels like. -and she doesnt even care to know.
i guess best friends arent always what theyre cracked up to be.

teardrop shaped razorblades and teardrop shaped hearts
make cuts the size of clandestine pins and bleeding that wont stop.
blood mixed with ink.
i dreamt i got "xo" tattooed on me. -now i think i will.

ill carve a heart into my wrist and show you im not afraid.

now hold my hand and lets hope for the best.
i know you wish the worst on me. -i wish the worst on me (and you) too.

theres a thin pink outline in the shape of a heart.
its on my wrist because cutting dont work.
it says "xo" in the middle to show what my love was for you.
and my blood is in the outline.
didn't you know id do anything for you?

now i wont let it fade.
wont let it go away.
ill wear it on my wrist to remind me of you everyday. -to remind me of how we used to be.

my parents seen my wrist.
they just dont understand.
they cant, because no one can.
no one can hack into my head and heart and say the same things im thinking.
and most likely if im thinking them ive already said or written them.
i dont think before i do anything. -i just do it.
i think about it later.

ive been spending a lot of time with my older brother who is the same age as a lot of my idols.
and im starting to realize my brothers become one of my idols.
no one understands him either.
except me.
me and him- we're living Simple Plan songs.
hes living "Perfect".
im living "Welcome To My Life".
we cant control it. -it just is.
we have more in common than i ever thought.
he wouldnt ever change for anyone.
and neither will i.


andshellsurvivebecauseof:theheartonherwristandthewordsinherhead.

the way you could make me feel...

im becoming imuned to how my heart fails me.
what will be my next set back?
only the heart (break(er)) knows.
everything feels like a broken promise.
everything felt like a lie.
everything needs to learn its lesson, my tears are starting to evaporate to the sky.


he wished for autumn breezes,
now i wish for soft white crisp snow.
i want to dig a hole from my backyard to your heart.
the air is turning cold, and my hoodies are becoming warm to my liking.
everything seems to remind me of you. -of a memory.
and it seems as though there's a song i love(d) and now hate for every guy who's ever broken my heart. -you have many more than one.

i still love you. -but more in a car crash, pet dying, burning your house down sort of way.
your scent intoxicates me. -still.
and i hate it.
whenever i smell the scent of your oddly mixed cologne with a slight touch of mothballs from your basement, i feel sick to my stomach.
and when i think of your smell, i can smell it.
god, i hate it.
maybe i remember it so well, because i laid my head on you too many times.
maybe i only want to forget it, because it reminds me of how close our bodies always were.
our friction.
the way it felt when our lips touched,
the way you could kiss all my troubles away,
the way you could hold my hand and make me feel so safe. so secure, as if as long as i was in your arms i would be ok.

and now i dont think its fair how you took that all away.
i shouldve never made you my everything.


andshellsurvivebecauseof:heartsonherhandandwordsinherhead.

i see enough of you when i dont want to, but my dreams are mine. stay out.

my dreams are becoming my enemies. -but that’s only when I dream of you.
nightmares are welcome as long as youre not in them.

and now its getting harder and harder to look myself in the eyes.


“So tell me what you want,
cause I would give you anything,
tell me what you need and ill go get it,
id give up all these dreams to have you in my arms right now,
I’d give up everything and id forget it.”


my emotions are all used up thanks to him, i cried hard over him more than twice and now nothing seems even in the slight bit worth as much to get upset about. nothing can top all the crap he put me through.
i guess i dont need anyone.
i have two hands to cradle my face as i cry when i need to and that’s all I need.
you can keep your fake shoulder to cry on, because it leads to nowhere i want to be.

things arent always as they seem. the thing is though that at the moment i seem just fine and at the moment how things seem are how they are. im really ok.


i wish for leprosy so i can infect you and we can have an island of our own.
dont worry i just want to get you alone.

ill show you what its like to be me.
you know your eyes antagonize me.


wipemefromyourmemoriesyouknowyourheartcantforgetme.

Every week is new drama. Get in with the click or you’ll be last year’s model.

Its funny how one Sunday i can have it all figured out and the following Sunday im clueless.
i went from one Sunday of an unbelievable illusion feeling of ecstatic-ness to the next Sunday full of deep thought and an absolute state of confusion.
sometimes i dig myself a hole so deep that it becomes over my head,
and even after ive stopped digging i realize 10 minutes later im in sinking sand and im going under no matter what.
sometimes you just have to face the music and in my case ill choose Good Charlotte & Simple Plan to soothe me today.
Yesterday was a Fall Out Boy day. so was the day before that.

i still have homework to do before tomorrow, but playing my guitar sounds much better- minus the fact it sounds like crap when I play it.

i hate how I create scenarios in my mind and get so far into them that I forget I created them in the first place.
i forget theyre not real and I become “in too deep”. I am “in too deep” right now. - but I cant let it go.
im addicted to pretending im someone else.
i know reality, I only pretend we’re strangers.
its like I strive for the end of the school day just so I can get home and be someone im not.
a totally different personality outside of school is starting to inspire my personality inside of school.
the funny thing is the personality isn’t real. Not to me its not anyways. Its only how I think it is.
-and how I think it is, is becoming how it actually is.

confusion is when I accidentally forget which day I already wore my favorite jeans to school.
its not in style to wear the same jeans two days in a row.- why cant I just be out of style?
of course its harder to be in style these days..

“the best years of our lives arent as easy as they seem”.

and now I think I need an extra dose of affection,
love’s given up on me so many times- but I refuse to give up on it.
its my addiction.
im addicted to falling in love and then being failed by it.

im like a hot iron on something plastic (im an accident waiting to happen) and I stick to you.

my life is one big misunderstanding. -or so it seems.
im 50% everything you’re not and I don’t want to be.

edit: ive seen days like this before, the day after something happens is always "one of those days".
feelings like this- insecurity sets in.

its funny how people see you and how 'you' see 'you'.
sometimes i wish i could trade eyes with someone on the outside.



theinkheartinthepalmofmyhandneverstaysforlong.

whats the point anymore..

im building me up and breaking me down.
all i wanted was some reassurance that sooner or later i'd be ok.

i was never one of those girls who could act as though she felt nothing for someone she felt everything for.

"she felt the world was crashing on her".

if this was someones idea of a sick joke,
then i dont like sick jokes anymore.

im becoming addicted to calling you and hanging up.
its like i want so badly for you to answer, but if you answered id have nothing to say.
i like the way my heart beats after listening to your answering machine pick up 22 times in a row.
its funny how i almost never leave a message.

and now all i remember was the small sorry he whispered through an instant message on my computer screen what feels like years ago.
oddly enough what feels like years ago was only about a few months ago.

i suppose i owe him a "thank you" more so now than an "i hate you".
only for the reason which if it wasnt for him bruising and breaking my heart repeatedly i wouldnt be this strong.
thanks to him not a tear was shed over this mutual misunderstanding of you.

convince me im not overdramatic.
convince me they're wrong about who i am.
about who they think i am.

imayalwaysbebrokenbecauseofhim.

any takers?