i broke my horoscope.

actaully i broke all of my horoscope(s).
whats the point of a horoscope and then a "keen horoscope"?
ones not better than the other.
in fact theyre both only pieces of false information about the same future for everyone with the same birth month.
its absolutely insane and ridiculous.

the good things in life that i did today:
climbed a tree to see through your eyes.
put pussy willow buds in my pocket.
listened to frogs chirp by swampy ponds.
smelled the afterbirth of the rain.
felt the suns warmth on my skin.

became best friends with a best friend [again].


why do i always come on too strong?
this lifes not ready for me.
it never will be.


yourprincessofbrokenhearts.
[she never changes].

you hate to be the last to know. but everyone always knows before you.

one of my best friends wrote this in a journal entry:
"He'll mean more to her than he'll ever know..."

shes obviously writing about her own pains.
but at times it sounds like shes writing about mine.

the note ordeals are always the hardest.
it scares the life (and death) out of me to give someone i love a note that i think or hope could change everything.

i hate backfires. i believe they are one of my worst fears.
but the sad truth is its not what could happen that is the backfire. its you.
you are the backfire. i fear getting too close to you. and i fear getting too far away. atleast now we understand each other.

youre like a pancake. i want to make you a bit better with syrup and butter. but i dont want to put too much on you. i dont want to ruin your original flavor.

if i wouldve been interviewed in some sort of random crisis event before i gave you the note on monday. i swear on everything i have i wouldve said "i feel like im gonna puke".
you make me more nervous than i do.
and although i say i just want to sit next to you and talk like we used to.
well its (much) harder said than done.
when i sit next to you i cant even look at you. nor can i speak (hardly) a word.

and as i walked [what might as well have been my last walk of shame] over to give you the note i felt like gravity was increasing on me with every step closer.
and the breaths i took were growing shorter and shorter.
what a laugh we wouldve had 20 years from now if i had passed out in front of you.
and what an even bigger laugh we wouldve had 20 years from now if i wouldve walked up to you and kissed you that morning.
everyone always tells me to listen to my heart.
dont think just do what i feel is right. but i cant.
if i did listen to my heart and do what i feel is right then id make a total moron of myself infront of my 2 year left world and the people who already look at me like i have antennas growing out of my head and that would just make everything a trillion times worse.

too bad theres no way i could get you alone for an hour or two.
the note said everything i wanted to tell you in person.
but my heart still has so much more.
if only the ''fake friend'' clan wasnt always around you.
i know you dont like them as much as you pretend.
because thats just exactly it. youre a champion at playing pretend.

you still have feelings for me.
if you didnt you wouldve told, showed, and made fun of my note with the ''fake friend'' clan and your girlfriend.
but you didnt. you kept it all to yourself.
the same way you used to keep my songs to yourself. you kept that to yourself.
you didnt want anyone to laugh at what i wrote.
you didnt want them to think any less of you if they didnt like it.
you were always my biggest fan. and my instincts say you still are.
maybe things havent changed as much as i think they have.
maybe our feelings are still the same. just less obvious.

let me be your secret.
i promise i wont screw anything up (with you) (ever) again.


yourprincessofbrokenhearts.
[misses you more than anything] [xo.]

give me a sec. let me make sure i wont pass out infront of you.

i wrote you a note. then i threw it away. then i wrote you another exactly the same.
i cant get over the need to feel okay.
the need to be with you.

ive never cried so much over one person in my entire life.

i brought my bunny to school today. thought it might be my security. it kept me calm. before i sacrificed myself and ripped apart my insides in a note for you.

"so much for my happy ending."

its not like giving you the note wouldve killed me before. i was just afraid. i didnt want to write the wrong words (again).
im just finally sick and tired of this heavy heart breaking every night and flooding my pillow.

i feel like me and last years me [the me that was with you] are now walking side by side. the only difference between them: you. youre with one. the one who loves everything and enjoys everything in life. the one that hasnt cried in forever because shes always happy because shes with you. and the one youre not with. the one that cries almost every night. the one that relieves her pain in ways she shouldnt. the one who would do anything to have you back.

the similarity in these two girls: they both love you. they both would die for you.

"shes fallen from grace. shes all over the place."
yea, pretty much.
"shes lost inside. lost inside."

who i was hates who i am.
dont tears ever run out?

my eyes look hurt and broken and puffy every morning.
and i hate it.

clog your tear ducts with eyeliner.
we dont want a leak (today).

take my hand one more time.
give me your lips and you can have mine.
please just one last time.

can i be your secret?
would you be mine?


yourprincessofbrokenhearts.

syrup [heart] suckers.

why does everyone always want to be someone else.
no ones ever happy.

i miss you like you were never gone.

can i take it all back. i wanna take it all back. i love you. i never hated you. never could hate you. never can. never will. i just want to be yours (again).

that rain on your window. the drops that you watch. thats me crying to sleep over you. [everynight]

give me one chance to change it all back. we can be those two people again.
cant we?

you said never again. i said no regrets. dont listen to your head. listen to your heart. now repeat after me. "i love you".
you know it never faded. not for either of us. not even for a minute.
your lips say no but your smile says yes.
and that smile is just your hearts way of sayin "come back."

am i just overdramatic?
i am overdramatic.
im (too) freakin emo'tional.
remove my heart. if i cant have you ever again i dont need it.

"i could write it better than you ever felt it."

but you loved every word.
every untuned out of sound word.
you listened to it (all). even when i could tell you didnt want to. i loved the way about you. the way you were there for me through everything.

ive been in love with you every second of every minute. every minute of every hour. every hour of every day. every day of every week. and every week of every month since we first met 2 years ago.

ill let it all go to have you back. you know the way i look at you. you know that look (too) well.

[edit:] or maybe im just best friends with bad luck. maybe you have forgotten.


yourprincessofbrokenhearts.

we were the romeo and juliet of this century.

i love long showers..

okay i cant lie about this one.
i only love the way i can cry in the shower and no one can see the tears on my cheeks.
i only love the way i can practice what ill say to you with tears in my eyes the next time we meet.
no one follows me into the shower.
so i am my own witness.


yourprincessofbrokenhearts.

"theres nothing in your head or pocket, throat or wallet that could change just how this goes"

havent had a social life since new years.
lets get it together baby.
or lack there of.

"black mail myself, cuz i aint got anyone else"

the only people i trust anymore are my best friend [c.a.] and my brother.
shouldve listened. [to anyone but myself]
too bad i never do.

i hate flashbacks. [of us]
60 second rituals of trying to forget or pretend i dont care.
sad thing is i know i cant and do.

i need a new imagination.
get me the ad for the best sales.
and hurry.


yourprincessofbrokenhearts.

im nothing with(out) you.

"whatever happens i want you to know, that i couldnt be happier when im thinking of you."

yea i said that.
yea i meant that.

turned 16 yesterday.
and it was an amazing perfect day.
i let him go the day before.
and my heart is now focused on my world and well being.

stood on your door step.
touched your door knob.
rang your doorbell.
snapped pictures outside the place you grew up.
the place youve slept in.
the place youve shaped yourself to be who you are in.
just that is amazing in itself.
i love you.
and everything you are.
everything you stand for.


yourprincessofbrokenhearts.
*cant wait till june 10th*