one of my best friends wrote this in a journal entry:
"He'll mean more to her than he'll ever know..."
shes obviously writing about her own pains.
but at times it sounds like shes writing about mine.
the note ordeals are always the hardest.
it scares the life (and death) out of me to give someone i love a note that i think or hope could change everything.
i hate backfires. i believe they are one of my worst fears.
but the sad truth is its not what could happen that is the backfire. its you.
you are the backfire. i fear getting too close to you. and i fear getting too far away. atleast now we understand each other.
youre like a pancake. i want to make you a bit better with syrup and butter. but i dont want to put too much on you. i dont want to ruin your original flavor.
if i wouldve been interviewed in some sort of random crisis event before i gave you the note on monday. i swear on everything i have i wouldve said "i feel like im gonna puke".
you make me more nervous than i do.
and although i say i just want to sit next to you and talk like we used to.
well its (much) harder said than done.
when i sit next to you i cant even look at you. nor can i speak (hardly) a word.
and as i walked [what might as well have been my last walk of shame] over to give you the note i felt like gravity was increasing on me with every step closer.
and the breaths i took were growing shorter and shorter.
what a laugh we wouldve had 20 years from now if i had passed out in front of you.
and what an even bigger laugh we wouldve had 20 years from now if i wouldve walked up to you and kissed you that morning.
everyone always tells me to listen to my heart.
dont think just do what i feel is right. but i cant.
if i did listen to my heart and do what i feel is right then id make a total moron of myself infront of my 2 year left world and the people who already look at me like i have antennas growing out of my head and that would just make everything a trillion times worse.
too bad theres no way i could get you alone for an hour or two.
the note said everything i wanted to tell you in person.
but my heart still has so much more.
if only the ''fake friend'' clan wasnt always around you.
i know you dont like them as much as you pretend.
because thats just exactly it. youre a champion at playing pretend.
you still have feelings for me.
if you didnt you wouldve told, showed, and made fun of my note with the ''fake friend'' clan and your girlfriend.
but you didnt. you kept it all to yourself.
the same way you used to keep my songs to yourself. you kept that to yourself.
you didnt want anyone to laugh at what i wrote.
you didnt want them to think any less of you if they didnt like it.
you were always my biggest fan. and my instincts say you still are.
maybe things havent changed as much as i think they have.
maybe our feelings are still the same. just less obvious.
let me be your secret.
i promise i wont screw anything up (with you) (ever) again.
yourprincessofbrokenhearts.
[misses you more than anything] [xo.]
